Memoirs of a gymnast.....Weight issues.....Chapter 5. | jenni855's Blog

Things were building up to become dangerously unhealthy when it came to food and weight. I would be weighed twice at the gym each session but was also constantly weighing myself at home. Outside of gym, I should have been out having fun with friends, instead my life became all about how I looked.
I remember one summer, my mum used to sit out in the garden. I took this opportunity to run up and down the stairs constantly and then weigh myself. I would do this repeatedly, over and over again. It was the same pattern each time.Mum went outside with a book or magazine and I would start the regime of running up and down the stairs, perhaps adding in sit ups and press ups. After that, I would go into my mums bedroom, find the weighing scales and weigh myself. Because I was so young, I honestly thout that you could lose weight in seconds. I figured that if I ran up and down the stairs enough times, I would lose weight instantly. I feel sad when I think back to that child. It's actually a dark memory for me and one I have never shared with anyone. My mum doesn't know what I did and how bad it all got. The only time I guess it became obvious to my parents was at Easter time. When I was young, my parents knew a lot of people so I got a lot of Easter eggs. Yet I felt I couldn't eat them. I remember having all the eggs lined up by my wardrobe and just staring at them. I don't remember telling my parents that I couldn't eat them but I must have done because as I say, that's when they got a glimpse of how bad things were. However, they didn't and still don't know about the punishing exercise regime I put myself through at home and the secret weighing. I think myparents were a bit concerned but they didn't sit me down and speak to me. Not that I remember anyway. I can't remember how long this regime went on but my days were literally school, gym and then the extra training and weighing I put myself through at home. Of course I saw friends and family but that was pretty much my life and a pattern that I had fallen into. It was destructive and yet in my mind, there was no option of stopping. I don't even think I would have been capable of doing so. I needed help. I didn't see it at the time of course but now I can see just what a state I was in. I look back now at old notebooks and I have lists written out of gym practices I had to do. Everytime friends came round, all I wanted to do was train and play gymnastics. It was taking over my life completely and it was a dark time. Looking back, I feel sad that I lived that alone. Yes, my parents knew the weight and food issues were getting out of hand, but they didn't know the extent of it. Nobody knows how consumed I got and it has only been here that I have really opened up on this. 
I can't remember how long I was like this for but it got harder to continue when the summer months stopped. My mum was no longer out in the garden and so I couldn't keep up the stair running. I still continued with the exercise drills in my bedroom but I guess I wasn't given the opportunity to do more.
I grieve for that child in a way. She was alone and weight was consuming her life. She should have been allowed to have fun and be a child. Not to have this constant burden and obsession ruling her life.
I really wish someone had seen how dangerous it was all getting. I needed someone to step in but it never happened. This dark time was closely followed by another when I found out I was to be paired with a new partner called Caroline. I felt uneasy and worried about being paired with her from the start, and as it turned out, I had good reason to be.

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Posted on 12:29AM on Feb 9th, 2013
It breaks my heart to know that someone that young felt that they needed to do all that to feel better about themselves. It's like you want to go back in time and hug that little girl and tell her that she doesn't need to do that, nor should she. :/
Posted on 02:51AM on Feb 9th, 2013
I know Jeremy x It was a very low point for me and sad to look back on.
Posted on 09:31AM on Feb 10th, 2013
(extra hugs on this one) :(
Posted on 10:37AM on Feb 10th, 2013
Thank you and thanks for reading xxx
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Previous Posts
Saturday, 3rd January 2015, posted January 3rd, 2015
Gymnastics..., posted December 2nd, 2013, 5 comments
Letter to M....., posted August 19th, 2013
Memoirs of a gymnast......Caroline.......Chapter 7., posted February 10th, 2013, 3 comments
Memoirs of a gymnast.....I want to leave......Chapter 6., posted February 9th, 2013
Memoirs of a gymnast.....Weight issues.....Chapter 5., posted February 8th, 2013, 4 comments
Memoirs of a gymnast......Camp and food....Chapter 4., posted February 7th, 2013, 4 comments
Memoirs of a gymnast.....The trio and our first competition...Chapter 3., posted February 6th, 2013, 2 comments
Memoirs of a gymnast.....Entering the squad. Chapter Two., posted February 5th, 2013, 4 comments
Memoirs of a gymnast....Introduction and chapter 1., posted February 4th, 2013, 6 comments
A letter to my mother......, posted July 22nd, 2012, 1 comment
A lettter to Kirsty......, posted July 22nd, 2012
Tuesday, 20th March 2012....An open letter to my circle...., posted March 20th, 2012, 9 comments

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