Memoirs of a gymnast.....Weight issues.....Chapter 5. | jenni855's Blog

Things were building up to become dangerously unhealthy when it came to food and weight. I would be weighed twice at the gym each session but was also constantly weighing myself at home. Outside of gym, I should have been out having fun with friends, instead my life became all about how I looked.
I remember one summer, my mum used to sit out in the garden. I took this opportunity to run up and down the stairs constantly and then weigh myself. I would do this repeatedly, over and over again. It was the same pattern each time.Mum went outside with a book or magazine and I would start the regime of running up and down the stairs, perhaps adding in sit ups and press ups. After that, I would go into my mums bedroom, find the weighing scales and weigh myself. Because I was so young, I honestly thout that you could lose weight in seconds. I figured that if I ran up and down the stairs enough times, I would lose weight instantly. I feel sad when I think back to that child. It's actually a dark memory for me and one I have never shared with anyone. My mum doesn't know what I did and how bad it all got. The only time I guess it became obvious to my parents was at Easter time. When I was young, my parents knew a lot of people so I got a lot of Easter eggs. Yet I felt I couldn't eat them. I remember having all the eggs lined up by my wardrobe and just staring at them. I don't remember telling my parents that I couldn't eat them but I must have done because as I say, that's when they got a glimpse of how bad things were. However, they didn't and still don't know about the punishing exercise regime I put myself through at home and the secret weighing. I think myparents were a bit concerned but they didn't sit me down and speak to me. Not that I remember anyway. I can't remember how long this regime went on but my days were literally school, gym and then the extra training and weighing I put myself through at home. Of course I saw friends and family but that was pretty much my life and a pattern that I had fallen into. It was destructive and yet in my mind, there was no option of stopping. I don't even think I would have been capable of doing so. I needed help. I didn't see it at the time of course but now I can see just what a state I was in. I look back now at old notebooks and I have lists written out of gym practices I had to do. Everytime friends came round, all I wanted to do was train and play gymnastics. It was taking over my life completely and it was a dark time. Looking back, I feel sad that I lived that alone. Yes, my parents knew the weight and food issues were getting out of hand, but they didn't know the extent of it. Nobody knows how consumed I got and it has only been here that I have really opened up on this. 
I can't remember how long I was like this for but it got harder to continue when the summer months stopped. My mum was no longer out in the garden and so I couldn't keep up the stair running. I still continued with the exercise drills in my bedroom but I guess I wasn't given the opportunity to do more.
I grieve for that child in a way. She was alone and weight was consuming her life. She should have been allowed to have fun and be a child. Not to have this constant burden and obsession ruling her life.
I really wish someone had seen how dangerous it was all getting. I needed someone to step in but it never happened. This dark time was closely followed by another when I found out I was to be paired with a new partner called Caroline. I felt uneasy and worried about being paired with her from the start, and as it turned out, I had good reason to be.